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Winter has officially hit, both physically and for me, mentally. I hate what this season does to me. As if I'm not already enough of a self-deprecating raging pessimist, let's just throw standard winter-depression and holiday loneliness right on in there, shall we? It'll be great! Then we can watch Shelby crumble into a mass of self-loathing insecurity! It'll be FUN! If by fun you mean depressing as all shit... and I do. Ugh. Just... hug me, please?

Seriously... I don't know what it is, but it always happens. I feel so affection starved, even though I know that I'm cared about. I have amazing friends and I love them all, but for some reason I feel like I need approbation and confirmation of reciprocated care/appreciation. I feel so vacuous. Going home is going to be hard, but I am ecstatic that Matt is coming home. Though that's a complicated subject too.

I've been thinking about him more often than usual. I'm afraid for him. Maybe I'm just afraid for me in terms of him...I miss him. A lot. More than I should. I don't like feeling so strongly and not being able to act...it's very frustrating. Also, the whole really wanting affirmation that the feelings are mutual, even to a small extent. Granted, I don't want to hear it if it isn't true...but God I want it bad.

I can almost hear him telling me that I'm being stupid and overly effusive. I probably am, but I can't change how I feel. I can distract myself, I can put on the happy face, I can continue suppressing the urge to confess everything I've been thinking so that I don't sound like the scared little girl that I probably still am. It's so irritating, because everything I want to do, I can't. I don't have the means to go out there like I want over break. I don't know how I'll get out there for spring break like I want to. I don't want to keep dreaming about finally living with him in complete nonchalance and harmony, only to wake up knowing it's not real and might never be anyway. God, fuck knows if that's something he'd ever even want. Plus, I won't ask because it's not even a realistic time to think about it, let alone act. "A lot can happen in 3 years" ...Fuck.

What hurts the most is that as much as I want to be with him, I know that it wouldn't fucking work right now, and while patience is a virtue, it sure as hell isn't my virtue. We've had this fucking discussion... We're too far away right now, and the last thing I want to do is fuck it up by trying a long distance thing, having me get paranoid or upset over something neither of can help(i.e. um...distance!), and blowing it. It's just not a good idea while I'm in school. Yet, it's the only thing I want. I was talking with him online, and he said, "Has it been that long, Shelby? We need to go home." and I started crying. It made me flash back to when I was telling him about how I didn't feel like I had a home, and he told me he'd be mine. I believed him, and to this day I want it to be a standing invitation, as I believe it to be. All I know is that I feel at peace around him, and I am always enjoying myself. No matter what we're doing. Even if we're sleeping on a couch while I'm trying to ignore both Evil Dead II and my food poisoning, I'm contented. That's what I want again...though, I'd could do without the food poisoning and low-budget horror film. Still, it's all I fucking want right now, and I can't have it, so I'm whining about it. Something so simple shouldn't be so difficult.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
wheresmytower
Dec. 15th, 2004 07:01 pm (UTC)
*hugs you*
virtuistic
Dec. 15th, 2004 10:03 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* Thank you...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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