I assure you, this is for your own personal safety. You do your job and I'll do mine. Yet, after this morning, I have one thing to say. "It's on, motherfucker." Last night, I wrote a preperatory warning to all propaganda-mongers that may, in a last ditch effort to try to sway the herd the last of the sheep, come by and try to brainwash me with their standard repertoire of talking points. It reads, "WE ALREADY VOTED so you are hereby cordially invited to STFU AND GO AWAY!!!" I leave my room for class, and mind you I am very concerned. I don't so much as step onto the street away from my dorm and from the overpass comes this jeering voice hidden beneath a mountain of Kerry & Edwards signs, "Don't forget to vote!" I pause. Unable to let it slide I look up at her and respond, "Omg! That's today?!" She looks at me like a deer in headlights. I suppress the urge to vomit. Not even 20 yards away I encounter a second little group of them. Then again, this is only an assumption because I could manage to catch sligth glimpses of what might have been human through the Kerry Edwards signs. I thought it might be camoflauging against any form of political violence, because they were standing directly in front of a kiosk that had been covered, literally covered by some vandal in the middle of the night with MORE Kerry Edwards signs. Think of the trees, people! They are spouting off some banter about how Nader is worthless and a mere pawn of the Republicans and that Bush eats babies for breakfast or something along those lines, and suddenly I find their attention aimed at poor little non-partisan me. I pause again, temporarily dumfounded. Running through my brain in scrolling marquee fashion are the following letters: O-B-S-E-S-E-S-S-I-O-N! I say, as much to my surprise as theirs, I'm sure, "Fanatacism much?" and keep going. It's tragic really, when mild mannered Shelby has to adopt such confrontational tendencies. It's really just self defense, I assure you. Anyway, by this point I'm completely drained and I haven't so much as made it past Rarig. The rest of my walk seemed as though it would be uninterrupted. I am 10 feet away from the door of Blegen, and then it's a mere 20 feet to my class and I think I'm home free, when suddenly, like the wicked which of the west ANOTHER ONE pops out of the door and I'm expecting to see smoke, smell brimstone and be assaulted by a hail of "GO VOTE" buttons. I duck. I cover my head. I want my mommy.
History lecture numbs me out. I begin to strategize. If I put on my headphones and stare fixedly at the ground as I make my way back home, will I be immune to their hawklike gaze and razor tipped tongues? I realize I took out the CD last night and didn't put in a new one. Bugger. Miraculously, I get home unmolested (assuming we're not counting the "How to Guide to Voting" that has recently repapered the walls of the Elevator chamber). I get home, and what do I find? Hanging from my doorknob, yes this is the same door with that lovely, welcoming, CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR message, is some extremely liberal propaganda. "VOTE today to STOP four years' worth of failure." I cry. Resistance may very well be futile.
You have officially been warned. Anyone who fails to comply with the above criteria will be disemboweled on the spot.