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Serious thoughts, for a change.

It's really very amazing what a good friend can do. I mean, we're all so attatched to the ones we love and sometimes it's easy to be axiomatic, or at least feel that way. Some days are just days. Colorless, tasteless, scentless days. Nothing goes well and nothing goes wrong, it's just stagnant and that's your day. Creates a lot of time for thinking and that can lead you down some rather unpleasant paths. I woke up disappointed, but it wasn't malevolent. There was no grumpiness, just dissatisfaction at nothing in particular. I remember looking across the room from my desk chair and staring at about a three foot section of Faith's wall, where the ceiling meets the two walls and thinking that I really didn't like that angle, that color, that wall. Couldn't put my finger on why, either. Anyway, I thought that since last time Shane was in a funk like this he called me and we sorted each other out and it was beautiful. The puzzle was re-arranged so that most of the pieces fit now and I could do the rest easily. When I called he wasn't there, though. Janice told me to try Bill's but I can't bring myself to call Bill and I don't know why. Everytime we've talked in the past it's been a good conversation. Geeky and trivial as shit but still enjoyable, but I just... can't. I don't want to. I called Chris instead and found out just how badly things have been going down in Deerfield. I talked to him for about an hour, got him calmed down. I wish I could help them all out of there. Getting out is half the battle. Jon doesn't even have a cell phone anymore he's got so much debt, Shane is being a drama king(his song is forever Butterfly by Weezer. That's all I have to say about that.) and I can't do anything from here. Even if I was down there I don't know if I could do anything. Yet, I don't want to go back there, ever if possible...but even so, in the Immortal words of K*stah, "I just want everything to work out."

That sentence really made me think. I think in the end that's all anyone wants. It doesn't even have to be perfect or good all the time, as long as the pieces fit in the end and it makes sense that'll be wonderful. Speaking of that girl, I miss her. Talking to her online yesterday really made me realize that. Possibly that whole, axiomatic concern.... but I was thinking about how we always used to chat in VP and the jokes we had and how much I've always looked up to her. I think her advice made my shift into college so much easier. It's so strange that someone you've never met can touch your life so much. I owe a lot to her; my sanity for starters. I always feel like I'm not grateful enough, I don't say thank you enough. I really hope everything works out well for her too. She's a great person and deserves the best. I felt badly yesterday too when my AIM crapped out on me mid-conversation. I tried to get Brytne to explain the situation to her before my internet went out altogether. What am I going to do with all of these faulty electrodes?

It was surreal yesterday though. I was thinking about how I'm not there for my friends, how do they know that I care, which eventually leads to do they care about me questions, loneliness, self pity and just general fear of the present and future. I always act like I've got my shit together when I don't. Maybe it's a survival strategy or something stupid like that, but it's all I know. Maybe one day I'll be able to fool myself into believing it, everyone else seems to think I'm doing well. It's not that I'm floundering into an abyss, but so much is uncertain. Thinking about getting an apartment this summer is really freaking me out. I'll be thrown totally out of my element; which may not be bad. I might try to get a job, but I really don't want one. Especially come winter, I don't want to go outside more than I have to. Maybe I should just settle for a job at UDS like all the other lemmings. I don't want to go home, I know that much. Yet, I want to help my friends there... it's such an irritating conundrum. Shane has been calling more though, and maybe if he gets his apartment with Chris and Dylan he might get on track again, though I honestly doubt it. He needs to get out of that city, out of the state. I think the midwest is ruined for me. I don't know though, I have an inchoate attraction to temperate climates. I just really don't want to freeze my ass off up here this winter. It's going to be hard, I can tell.

Anyway, I was thinking about all of this yesterday. It was all milling about in my cranium and I felt so overwhelmed. What with me not going to class, not wanting to go to class, hating the fact that I need to take these fucking classes when all I want to do is focus on Journalism, Fiction, and Theater. Thinking about my friends, how they're hurting and I can't help. It stabbed cold, that's the only way I can describe it. I tried cleaning to take my mind off, did some homework for the classes that I hate and will never help me in my major but that I have to pay an insane amount of money for anyway[...greedmongering WHORES!], and it didn't work. Suddenly I find myself sitting at my desk and to my suprise, I'm starting to cry. Watching Garden State reminded me how rare it is for me to cry, or even be able to. Ever since the Wellbutrin I find it really hard to cry, and I remember what it was like going to the fucking funeral and not being able to cry because some evil shitball chemical was in my brain, sapping my tear ducts, pulling my face straight and giving me a massive goddamn headache. That movie struck a nerve in too many ways. It reminded me way too much of me. I think it might have been the circumstances but I don't know... I think if I would have watched it with Matt it would have been easier. It's a good flick, but it hurt. Made me hardcore introspective all night and maybe that's what carried over into yesterday I don't know.

Whatever it was, there was a massive cocktail in my head of a lot of disagreeable elements and as I was sitting at my desk sobbing like a four-year-old Matt called. It was wild, it was like a movie when the exact moment you need someone they're there. It was like the scene in Amelie when she's making the plum cake, that's how it felt. What are the odds? It brought me right back to the feeling that the three of us are inextricably linked, because he felt he should call when he did, and was thinking about a lot of the same things. We had a beautiful conversation, sorted each other out and I felt weightless afterwards. This bears repeating, but it's striking what a good friend can do. Just a phone call at the right moment, just an internet conversation out of the blue. It's no great effort on their part but it means the world, turns your whole day around. Incogitable.

I called him back later and I hung up in elysium. Some of the specific parts of our conversation will no doubt ring in my ears for days. I really adore that kid. He says he's probably not coming home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. That shocked me at first, but I don't blame him. So, I'm trying to see if it'd be feasible for me to go out there. I found round trip plane tickets for 200 dollars. I can't bear the thought of him spending Christmas alone. I asked him last night where I'd stay if I came and apparently he thinks it'd be alright for me to stay in his apartment with him. In fact, I had a dream of us putting up a Christmas Tree, listening to jazz. That is a picturesque image, eh? It makes me smile, anyway. I'm looking into it; although my mother will flip a gasket, she can cork it.

This bastard is long. I should get going down to lunch too before it closes. However, I'm still just in awe of how much 2 people really turned my day around yesterday. One whom I haven't even met in person. The sun is shining like whoa and the weather is gorgeous. Today will be a good day.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
ex_stoicism868
Oct. 26th, 2004 01:34 am (UTC)
gummi bears [bom bom bom bom!!] bouncin here and there and everywhere!
aw, this totally made me smile :)

i hope that the whole plane ticket thing works out for you. and some day we'll meet in person. when we start ruling the world, for instance.

things will work out somehow. maybe not in the way i view as most ideal now. but i can adapt. and maybe whatever happens will be for the better.
virtuistic
Oct. 26th, 2004 05:58 am (UTC)
"and her boyfriend's a dick... he brings a gun to school..."
I still feel like I never can thank you enough.

so once again, Thank you. Mil Gracias.

I have faith in you, tu eres muy intelligente. Plus, karma should reward you, Bill Gates stylee.... or something.

Word on the ruling the world thing. We should start making t-shirts and track jackets immediately. Then move onto starting Fitter Happier stores/gyms as discussed previously.
ex_stoicism868
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:59 pm (UTC)
weird unidentified flying hamster thingies scare me this time of year
yeahhh i think i'm pretty well stocked on good karma.

and the fitter/happier thing is gonna be huge, unlike our clients. america NEEDS it. BAM!!
virtuistic
Oct. 26th, 2004 11:14 pm (UTC)
Bickety Bam!
Stocked on good Karma, eh? That gives me an idea!

We can sell manuals, how-to guides to generating good karma!! Good natured social reform? Mayyyybe? You'd make an excellent role model, my dear.

Oh how the wheels are turning...
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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