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wonderful curse...

Walking upstairs, getting a CD from my cd player, be like that comes on. Its still on, i'm still trying not to cry. Resistance is futile...This is so unfair. I love him so much it scares me sometimes and i miss him so incredibly much i cant even begin to describe...I'm not hungry, i'm not tired, i'm not anything except missing him. I'm not stable, i'm not me here. god, i cant take carmen bragging about her getting her drivers license. its like yeah, rub it in even more that you have a family that will do things for you and allow you to do that kind of crap. plus her family GAVE her a car. UGH! what i wouldnt give to be that lucky, but you know it will never happen. And that is what i need to go see Ian and i miss him so much i want to just break down and cry but crying wont make him appear. I feel so helpless. In the words of the pumpkins, despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage. And here is another thing that blows, i am broke. completely broke. Not counting the money in the bank which will be gone in a very short time...i am so distraut. i cant buy a car....and i cant even buy a phone card! i am out of money until the 25th. when i get my pay check...5 days without being able to call him even. :( And i dont want to make him pay for everything.! It isnt cheap. and it isnt fair? 739 miles is what keeps us apart...739 miles that grow far more taunting every day. tempted to walk...run...bike? ride my atv up there....why not?

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