Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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I can't seem to see through solid marble eyes.

Let me start by saying that as a general rule, low budget movies really suck. Alright, moving on. It is absolutely fucking gorgeous outside today. I saw an elderly man napping in a lawnchair in his front yard, it was adorable. If I wasn't so dead fucking tired I'd be out taking a bike ride. I might go down to the pier and read Sherlock Holmes... in fact, excecutive decision time... yep. Gonna do it, after I order myself a sub.

However.. must write down the thoughts of yesterday. Yesterday was a mixture of everything, anticipation, joy, tediousness, tumult, despair, you name it. Tynan came up to visit and it was really very fun. We ate at Serendipity, played mini-golf, and then went to State St. All before 2:30! It was mad cool, however... I must say it was also kind of strange. Probably a self-induced/percieved distress, because I felt so rushed. The whole annoying concept of so much to do in so little time, feeling of incompletion and throughout the day, the fear thereof. Extreme insecurity as to what to do, where to go, etc. Things worked themselves out, but there was some lot of awkward silence. Which, he ad I attribute to the fact that both of us work so damn much, and never really leave our houses. I have always felt a degree of pity for him, but yesterday I was hit hard. Empathy is a total whore. When he had to go, I dont know, it was like Douglas Adams described in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy when Ford Prefect emitts the pulse that frightens the bartender with an incomprehensible sense of distance, this desperate fear not to return to that far away. Honestly, the overpowering gravity of sheer emotion floored me and I almost started balling. I could feel his desperation to not be alone in Illinois with his family again just radiating from him. I was so taken aback by this sudden feeling of comprehension. Having realized that he hasn't seen anyone in 2 months. I thought of the despair that would cause me, and on my way home I cried. I was turning out of the Sheraton Parking lot when it really hit me, just how much 2 months made Tynan - who is a very level headed and confident person who doesn't mind being alone, change so much into an almost desperate person who craves interaction and contact; and then I compared the situation to Matt, who's been stranded in the Air Force since the 8th of March. Fucking MARCH! At which point, I felt so selfish and so completely naive. All this time I've been missing him; yes, he's my best friend and it is logical that I would do so. But I got a taste, just a tiny taste of what he's, no doubt, been feeling for months. For me, it was a millisecond of sheer agony, borderline panic. Fucking opened up my eyes, and I'm left dumbfounded. I knew comforting words couldn't fix everything, and I know he'll be alright. He comes home on the 13th and I can't fucking wait. And while I doubt he wants my pity, I am so much more aware now. Thinking about it makes me sick. Maybe he was right when he said I couldn't handle it if I were there. Hell, I half expected him to purposely get kicked out, because I know it can't be easy for him to go along with the goddamn military. I'm so astounded that he can and is. I mean, I knew he was strong before but I still wish I could pull something out of my bag-o-tricks and liberate him. Even more so now...

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