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not loquacious today.

VVisionary
IInnocent
RRadiant
TTender
UUnforgettable
IInspirational
SSerious
TTerrific
IInspirational
CCute

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Aww, I'm cute... how charming. No, cute would be the 10 week old Maltese puppy that Michael's mom had at the video store last night. Example...



I just want to love it to pieces. It was so silky soft, maybe when I get a pet friendly aparment I'll get one of those little dogs... Michael's Mom said she litter-box trained her little dog... which strikes me as odd but clever I suppose. Ann currently has three, three husky puppies. She now has four dogs, and is definitely a woman after my own heart. I am going to go visit them tomorrow if possible... I dont know if I can, I think I have to work again. Crudmonkeys.

The past couple days have been weird. Alyssa has been here every day... she invited herself over the first time... stayed until around 2 am... went home... came back at like noon, spent the night... and didn't leave until 2 am this morning. She says she's coming back today... I just want to scream at her and tell her that I have other friends too. I still haven't seen Shane... in a way I'm alright with that. I'm sure it'll be incredibly depressing when I do... I don't even feel like I should... he never fucking calls me to prove that he actually wants to hang out, but then of course he'll bitch that he hasn't seen anyone in weeks. Friendship is a two way street, pal. Sometimes I wonder if all my friends aren't just completely retarded. Kyia called me in the middle of an asthma attack... like I am going to be able to do anything from 8 hours away. Her friend is asthmatic, she should have gone to her.. and did after I told her to a whopping 4 times. Then, Kyia, Miss I-want-to-be-a-Nurse, mixed medicines and had a reaction and wound up in the hospital, because she didn't even listen to what I had to say. Smart. I want to scream at her too, tell her I'm not her fucking psychiatrist or her doctor. Just because I'm broken doesn't mean I know everything... and I don't want to hear about her relationship with Dan, and I know that's all she wants to talk about when it isn't even a relationship at all. Fuck, this town is making me stupid. I have no one to talk to that relates to my frustration with these people. I'm just left to silently stew in my mind, and let it out by watching boondock saints and getting my personal mental health time by staying awake while alyssa is sleeping and crocheting an entire skein of yarn. I can't go on like this. I can't wait for the vacation... I need to get away...

Tynan want's me to come down for a weekend. To visit, to do his spanish test for him... he says he'll pay me 100 bucks to do it. I'm having a conflict of ethics, because, what happens if he actually is expected to use his spanish sometime in the future and can't because he didn't take the test? Then again, I miss him and would like to chill... but still feel weird about taking that much money from him. Maybe I'll just make him feed me a lot when we go back up to Minneapolis... My dad wants me to use my spanish and be a translator at the hospital because they need a couple. I hear it pays quite well, but I think it would be dead depressing. I can't imagine having to say "Lo siento, pero so hijo ha muerto" to someone, or something equally as painful. I'm already quite emotionally taxed as it is.

I had a dream that I went down to visit Matt with his mother last night. It was weird, because it felt so real, true to emotions, not the normal oddly supranatural dream feeling... the feelings you'd expect to feel, the air of slight discomfort when seated across from your potential mother-in-law someday... making conversation for 8 hours. I did it though, because I couldn't get down there by myself another time... and seeing him was great. I miss him so much, and I want to know why the fuck he hasn't called and doesn't pick up his fucking phone. He's probably in one of his introspective stupors or in trouble, but part of me thinks he's distancing himself and ... while I don't doubt he'll come back I really could use his help around now. I want to call Katherine and see if she knows anything... I might as well. I've done it before. I always feel so stupid and obsessed when I do that. It just seems like something the sneaky, jealous, overly paranoid girly girl would do, and I hate that. I'm not jealous at all, I'm hurt that he's disappeared like this when I need to talk to him, our conversations always give me a brief respite from this shithole... plus, I am afraid for him... he seems so despondent. I just keep thinking of all the summers previous, and how much different they were from this one. All the fond memories at his house and mine, on state street and etc. The fact that it's gone intensifies my current feeling of asphixiation. I'll figure something out. I always do. Why is surviving so fucking tedious?

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