Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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Oh the joy of being a satirist.

So, the New York Times pisses me off. I didn't hear the President's speech and I should have, I have seen quotes from it all over this internet... and all the NYT can come up with... half of their op-ed columns are...

Delusions of Success...

"The president's supporters have no right to complain about the public's failure to appreciate his economic leadership." or... in other words... Bush thinks he's succeeded! Ha ha to that, weeny! Everyone knows that the economy is all about jobs created, and uh... they haven't done as gooda job as ... well... they coulda, so THERE!

Mind you, this is America, we have the right to complain about just about anything and often do. Oh and the thing that yeah, the economy did come back... shit. Being that the entire article was written from the standpoint that only the creation of jobs helps stimulate the economy and keeps it going just proves that this columnist ... well... stupid.

Bush's Epic Gamble .. this one is a gem.

"It's a huge gamble to think that the solution to chaos is liberty."

Aha, of course it is. Huge gamble, monumental, unthinkable! Cuz you know... ending chaos and confusion is... kinda... you know... a way to ... establish and step into normalcy. Freedom from chaos and... liberation from confusion... Well... crap. Anyway, the fact that his article insists that this gamble, and it uses the word gamble a good 6 or 7 times because apparently there was no thesaurus nearby, to give Iraq it's own government is EPIC! Ohh, how dramatic. I had to laugh when they said the whole... creation of democratic countries seems so anti-democratic when one country goes in and then gives the country back... Not like... We weren't once colonies of England... forgot about that one.

Honestly amigo, if you're going to mock Bush, be thorough and don't write shitty articles. Both of these were so heinously written I had no choice but to bash them. Not to mention their claims and subjects were completely and totally lame. There were other ones suggesting that gas prices are too high, therefore we should put a 50 cent tax on it... cuz yeah... paying more money will solve the nations anger at paying money for gas. Uh-huh. People are pissed that gas is high, yeah I'm annoyed but there is no quick fix. We don't have our own refineries to take matters into our own hands anymore. Negligence on our part and therefore it's partially our fault, partially because factories in China are burning natural gas for their electricity... well that can't be solved overnight. Just like these people saying, well, we may be seeing victories in Iraq but the violence still keeps coming. Yeah, *cough*, not like it's war or anything. I really think I only read this paper for its comedic value... it's really quite substanceless and quality is tumbling into linguistic failure.

Anyway, on to matters of sheer ridiculous hilarity. I woke up content this morning, as I slept until roughly 11. I was woken up by the telephone, a co-worker calling me in, wondering if I could show up in an hour to work the rest of her shift for her. I lied, told her I had something to do, because... I didn't want to go. Feeling refreshed and making myself an utterly fabulous cup of cinnamon hazelnut coffee, I came down here to check my e-mail, read the above link, and see if anyone else was on the online. Sadly, only one person was online but I came across this remarkable "top news" story on MSN.

How to become a Ruthless Reader

Immediately, I had to laugh at that title. It seemed so completely preposterous. Reading is such a peaceful, quiet activity that the word ruthless hardly applies. Thus, leading me to the following bits of sheer silliness. These were my thoughts, as they happened, copied from an MSN messanger convo ... they are perfectly preserved, I assure you, verbatim.

Me: So, apparently MSN is trying to teach people to read. Not only to read, but to read ruthlessly! I found that odd.

Chris: i didnt know that reading could be "ruthless"

Me: neither did I, do you rip the page out after you finish it? Is that what makes it so... "ruthless"?

Chris: man, that report was tough, its a good thing I'm so ruthless. it wants you to take magazines in your car for when youre stuck in traffic...

Me: like those are really quality reading material, pshh. I mean, I am a certified book worm. I admit it, but I am in no way shape or form a ruthless individual in any sense of the word

Chris: pishaw, you're the most ruthless person i know, there is no ruth to you my dear

Me: hah. I suppose. I am quite without ruth. It saddens me somedays... but she still has nothing to do with my reading!

Chris: what if you read in the same room as ruth, or if your name was ruth, would that dissolve your ability to be ruthless?

Me: doubtful... but maybe, by ruthless reading they want you to avoid every book written by or with a character named ruth. obviously this is a quite complex art, being a ruthless reader, that is.

Chris: that may be a question in an interview someday, "Are you a ruthless reader and how would that aid this company?"

Me: true. "Well, I am careful to never read in the presence of a Ruth, and I also avoid any story that was written by a person with Ruth in any form of their name, even Rutherson, for I am very cautious, let alone read a story where a ruth is involved. I am, as you see, very devoted to being completely, and totally, ruthless."

Chris: but do you read every passage vertically to see if there has been a ruth snuck in by the author?

Me: Of course! I am completely thorough, you can count on me, sir. There will be no ruth allowed in my this company's readings!

Chris: good, you're hired

Me: Yay!!! *frolics off and goes to read a book void of ruth*

*takes a bow*
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