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Up at 4 am again...

I was up at 4 in the morning to be at work at 5 yet again. The days seem so long when you wake up so damn early for a job you hate, get done at 9 am, and then are left with a copious amount of free time. John skipped school and came over today, so that was entertaining. We watched Boiler Room and talked a lot. He's going into the Army Reserves in June... I wish my boys would stop thinking that the Army is a good idea until it's too late. First both Andy-s and Phil, then Mike and Matt of all people, and now John.

Today wasn't entirely bad. Shopping ruined it. I need more work clothes and had to go get capris... well I didn't find any. We went to four stores and I officially believe that nothing is ever going to properly fit me ever again, and that I will just have to learn how to tailor clothes to myself if I ever want any hope of finding something that comfortably fits without looking like total shit. I tried to make myself feel less deformed and hideous by taking a bike-ride around the lake... followed by just sitting on my pier and staring at the damn thing... which usually helps. It didn't. I went and walked along my creek and watched the literal horde of about 20 massive carp that are currently milling around inside it. I fed them bread... watched them slide along. They're interesting creatures.

Apparently not interesting enough, as communing with nature had almost no lasting effects. I haven't heard from Matt since... Friday, I think. Maybe even earlier... Thursday... but I know he called me every day before that... possibly has tried but I haven't gotten ahold of him... shane says he talked to him on Friday...I miss him. I miss talking with him, and how refreshing it is, how much it brightens my day. I tried calling Shane and he was so tired I told him I'd just call tomorrow. Gotta fucking love isolation. I blew off Britney today, I didn't want to deal with her shallow shit. After spending 4 days at the coffee house I dont want to deal with anything. In a couple of weeks I'm going on a vacation. I really fucking need it too. My anxiety is coming back hardcore... I can't sleep, I barely eat, I'm really dehydrated, I passed out un-attended last night, when I do sleep I dream of terrible memories. I find myself not wanting to be around people at all. The phone is extremely menacing. I wish I could talk to Matt, cuz I know he understands cuz he has the same damn problem. I wish I could make myself stop welling up with tears only to choke on them because I'm too damn stubborn to let someone see me cry.

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May 2013


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