Faith is leaving me tomorrow. It all happens so quickly? I'm kind of stunned, and rather obstinant and recalcitrant in regards to the entire affair. I don't like this end of the year business, the organization is terrible and the timing couldn't possibly be any less bizarre. It's like time that was already in fast forward has just started skipping... I think the disk is scratched. We need a buffer.
Still not looking forward to going home. I was packing earlier today and... I started balling. Not good. (why is the rum gone?) I just wanna play on my panpipes!!! I have been drinkin' me some fake wine though... good stuff... so that satisfies that lust. I missed Matt's call last night so I am a little upset with myself... didn't get ahold of him today either. Hopefully tomorrow, no doubt I'll need some comforting... what with the prospect of having to go home to that shallow-yuppie shithole. The prospect literally makes me ill. I don't want to see Carmen or Alyssa... I dont want to see anyone really... with the exception of Avie... I haven't seen her in a long ass time and that's unfortunate. She's going to Germany this summer too so I must see her, hopefully several times, before she leaves. Other than that... I guess I'd like to hang out with Cody... but other than that the only thing I'm really looking forward to is making money, reading, the lake, and going to visit matt. The logistics of that plan are a little shakey though... as I don't have a vehicle and Shane is being a monumentally stubborn. Doesn't ever want to go back to an airforce base again... doesn't matter that it would mean the world to matt... nah. I guess I'm being harsh, I do miss Shane and I want to chill with him... I just want him to stop being so pessimistic and self-depricating.
I am going to be living off the things I haven't packed so far. Tomorrow I'm cleaning out my desk and all counter tops. I'll need to empty the fridge and whatnot... and then i'm done. Craziness. I know it's coming, and all I can think of is...
I DON'T WANNA!
I know I'll like seeing my dog, I'll enjoy tending the garden. I'll enjoy walking in the middle of the night and ending up at the pier and staring at the stars. I know I'll think of Matt the entire time. Those are the things I'm trying to focus on... not pay attention to the doctor appointments, my brother's anger management issues, my parents' inability to cope with anything, friends being whiney and miserable... myself being whiney and miserable. Wooo! I'm gonna have to make a budget or something for the weeks... the gas is rediculously expensive. Something is really wrong with that, something in my gut suggests scandal... foulplay... some terrible disgusting usurpation of some sort. Then again, it's in my nature to be skeptical of anything and everything. Maybe that's an advantage. It is in Everworld... Government upsets me. That's another thing... Rush Limbaugh at 23,000 decibels. Kill me now. Talk radio makes me want to puncture my eardrums with a spoon. A large spoon. Grr... enough of this thinking business... I'm going to go read. Watson is begging to narrate.