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horizons just seem to fade...

I really hate talking to matt online. Because logically, I know he has to do a lot of things in the short time he's alotted, which is at most a half an hour... and he always gives me necessary information and asks me to call him but... our conversations are always so short, and empty. Nothing like what i'm used to and it gets me down. I wish when I came online and said hi he would freak out and smile and at least tell me that he misses me. I know he does but still... he just feels distant and I don't like that. I guess I'm just diluting myself. He is in Misso-fucking-uri. I wrote him a letter tonight, I hope it'll brighten his spirits. I hate feeling so damned helpless. At least next week I'll be able to start to pick up Shane's mangled pieces and hopefully set off a chain reaction of sheer amelioration.

I hate it when good people suffer. It seems to happen so much, people that don't deserve it at all. Nice, kind, intelligent, decent people are robbed of their friends, family, hope, self esteem. I wish I could so something, make it so that the assholes get what they sow instead of plowing scars into the lives of other people. Sometimes the injustice of existance just boggles my mind. Makes me wonder how people can think God is compassionate. I know he is, and I know the final compassion is entry into heaven, but does living really have to be hell for good, honest people?

I submitted four poems to a magazine today. I wonder if they'll get accepted. That'd be pretty damn cool, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I think i'm going to enter some of my poems in a bunch of poetry contests... predominately ones that offer money prizes because I am a college student in desperate need of funds. I would just like to get something published... and I think a couple of my poems are killer. Realistically however, I probably wont win anything or get published but I'm young and there's time.

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