Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote,
Thesaurus Rex

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But like I told me, Don't Dwell...

"Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah." -Rufus Wainwright

Seriously, why is my mind such a bitch to me? I'm sitting here trying to write my fucking novel and get it over with, get the first draft down, that'll be the hard part, revision will be easier. Maybe that's what started it all but I feel that since Matt left, I don't have a best friend anymore. He hasn't written and I just feel really alone. I'm sitting here and wondering why and then that stupid little voice... you're alone because you're a terrible person. You're a stupid bastard, your own parents don't want you. Why do you think Amanda did what she did? She couldnt stand you either.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP. No, I'm lonely because Matt is gone and hasn't written. Then, when I need to talk to someone about all this shit and calm down no one is here. And why's that? Because I'm too fucking weak to tell the fucking story again. Honestly I'm not even sure that I can again. So, everyone else is just going to have to wait until the book is done... if the fucker doesn't kill me first.

I dont get enough hugs here. At home everyone knows the rule. Shelby steps in to the room, she gets hugs dammit. Everything feels so fucking distant in this city and it makes Matt and Cody and everyone just seem farther. And the fact that Matt hasn't written, and Shane never calls... I dont know. I always used to call Matt when this shit got out of control. When I found myself balling in the bathroom, gagging because I couldn't breathe and was crying so hard. I dont know if I can finish writing it without him being around to understand and put me back together when it breaks me. Why do I feel so abandoned when I know why he had to go?

It's a motherfucker
how much I understand
The feeling that you need someone
To take you by the hand.
And you wont ever be the same.
You wont ever be the same.

- the Eels
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