I am extremely frustrated with the United States House of Representatives.

I want to be thrilled that health care legislation was passed in the House, but any joy I would have is entirely overshadowed by the incalculable rage coursing through every vein in my body. As a woman, I am incensed by the very language contained in the amendment that was tacked on tonight in order to appease politicians that seek to continue this archaic legacy of denying the natural order of our bodies and insisting that sex should occur only for procreation.

Anyone, particularly any woman, who has not heard of the Stupak amendment should look into it. Even though there is already clear legislation on the books that states no federal funds will ever go to fund an abortion procedure, that was not enough for some of our U.S. Representatives. Now, if the Stupak language stays intact, no person receiving a federal subsidy to afford insurance -- even if it's a private insurance policy they elect -- will be able to subscribe to any plan that includes abortion coverage. Instead, women would be required to purchase, with their own money, sidecar insurance for abortion.

I find it ironic that the pro-consumer Republicans are avidly against a perfectly legal consumer choice when it involves something that gets their moral hitch in a giddyup. They speak endlessly about how the government should not meddle in the private sector and should instead safeguard the freedoms consumers should have in making their own decisions -- unless it involves women's reproductive health. If it were up to them, there would be no birth control pills, no plan B, and abortion is clearly out of the question.

The idea that forcing insurance companies to create separate products excluding abortion coverage and create entirely new products to cover abortion alone would ever be an acceptable compromise is absurd. The notion of creating such a system is insulting, demeaning, and will create a scenario which endangers the bodies of women who, in needing a subsidy for insurance, likely cannot individually afford a procedure they are legally entitled to. The simple fact is that no one plans an unplanned pregnancy -- hence the term. Requiring women to purchase a plan simply to guard against an unplanned pregnancy acts as a moral fee on a woman who chooses to enjoy her body physically as biology would have her do, a physical pleasure any man could enjoy with his own body for free.

This is not equality.

Furthermore, the annually renewed Hyde amendment already states that no federal money would go toward an abortion. The public option would not offer abortion coverage. Private companies could, except the Stupak amendment works almost as an anti-incentive to offer that service since millions of potential clients would be prohibited from applying their federal subsidy as they saw fit toward a health care service they are legally free to request.

What's even more ludicrous is that any insurance company that would create a separate, subsidy-friendly, abortion-free plan will likely still offer a plan that offers abortion to its entirely private-sector consumers who could still purchase a plan including abortion coverage. So, the assertion that this amendment would stop any federal dollars from going to a company that approves of and assists in providing abortions is patently untrue.

What is true is that -- with or without the Stupak amendment -- no taxpayer money would ever be used toward an abortion procedure. Any money a private insurance company would choose to include in an insurance plan would be paid using private funds only, and whatever is not covered under the insurance plan would need to be provided by the woman and her partner -- and they are the only people who should have any involvement in this legal consumer procedure, other than the doctor. This "crackdown" is totally unnecessary.

And when does it stop? Are we going to later amend that no federal money will go toward birth control prescriptions? Perhaps we should also make it so no federal subsidy money could go to a man with an insurance policy that would cover a vasectomy or a prescription for Viagra or Cialis. Let's see how well that goes over.

Perhaps the most deplorable part of all is that this single, inflated issue has put a smudge on this American victory and will now overtake the debate of providing much-needed doctors to millions of Americans who currently can't afford an annual check-up. This hot-button issue was no doubt chosen to rile and distract from a historic accomplishment and a human rights triumph, and it's working.

Don't let the subject of this entry throw you. It's totally true. They fart all the time, and it reeks. I'm talking borderline toxic gas. It's noxious, at the very least.

Anyway, the move of doom is almost entirely over, and we has the tubes! Alas, the Humboldt Abode is officially a thing of the past. The end of that truly epic era came on October 1st, and there was almost no rejoicing. In fact, my little ducky boat sank and there will probably be a lot of cussing coming when Faith and I have to confront Sela on the ridiculous "damage" demands they have made.

Anyway, life in the new spot -- which I have christened "The Manic Attic" -- with Mick has been going swimmingly, with one major exception. Jorge has pretty much kicked it. So, if you're thinking to yourself, "Geez, Shelby. If you've got the tubes in your hizzy, why the shit aren't you filling my friends list with snark?" The answer is this: Mah shit dun broke.

Overall, this is not surprising. That laptop is 1) a Gateway, 2) a P.O.S. with a penchant for eating motherboards, 3) from 2002. Frankly, we've had a good run. So, now that he has decided he will only suffer being on and active for an hour at a time, I need to conserve whatever is left of his miserable existence until I can get a new computer and transfer all my files before they are lost forever in a melted pile of debris.

So, I will be limping along and borrowing Mick's computer until I can get a new lappy. He keeps saying he's going to buy me one for Christmas because he wants his computer to remain his and not have a zillion things downloaded on it -- which I can totally respect. Also, I hate desktops. They remind me too much of work and I pine for the days of endless comment-discussions during TV shows. I know which laptop I want, and it's cheap as far as laptops go, but I am broke as a joke. Journalism ain't no pro-ball career.

How are yoooooooooou?

Lake Circuit

Jackolantern maples
And orange reflectors,
A trio of hungry raccoons,
Unconcerned with the dual spotlights,
Following the breadcrumb trail
Of light posts.

The slumbering mortar giants
Dream in the water's mirror
Amplifying the ripples
Of their dozing occupants.
Breeze caresses the shoreline
And the dock sings to the silent sailboats.

Now, the ghosts of breath linger.

You guys, I have had a revelation in dairy products.

Today, I was wandering through the grocery store looking for a lunch to bring to work. I was on my way to grab some steam-able cauliflower to satisfy my craving when I stumbled across a sample stand. Normally, these are the bane of any diet, but this stand delivered unto me the messiah of yogurt. Its name is Liberté, and it is divine.

I love me some yogurt, but I really can't stand how all American food companies -- here's looking at you, Yoplait -- pump even the "low fat" yogurts full of high-fructose corn syrup and other corn derivatives. Yogurt is a dairy product. Corn has no business being involved unless the cows that gave the milk and cream happened to have eaten it. Luckily, this yogurt is a product of Canada, and its ingredient list reads thus:

Liberté Mediterranée Coconut
INGREDIENTS: Milk and Skimmed Milk, Cream, Fruit Preparation (Sugar, Coconut, Water, Native Rice Starch, Natural Flavor, Pectin, Citric Acid) Bacterial Culture (S. Thermophilus, L Acidophilus, Bifidus, L. Bulgaricus), Sugar, Milk Protein concentrate

It is thick, it is rich, and it is amazing. It has only 270 calories! It's like Greek yogurt with a hint of sweetness that comes from actual sugar! Gosh!

Furthermore, the plain yogurt cuts out the fruit prep and then you have only 5 ingredients. This, my friends, is a fud. I am going to buy a crapton of Liberté yogurt. If that makes me a socialist, so be it, because socialism is delicious.

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR.

I DO NOT HAVE WHISKERS.

NO MOAR JOKES. You know who you are.

Ok. Here's the deal. I have been trying to sell my guitar for a while. It's this pretty blue Fender Squier Strat, and it really isn't anything special. I bought it when I was still in high school and had every intention of giving it to my then-Canadian boyfriend. Except he cheated on me, I kept it, played terribly in a cover/punk band, and then I let it gather dust for the past 6 years.

Seriously. I can't play the damn guitar. I haven't touched it in forever. But now I have a buyer who is seriously interested in giving me 250 bucks for it and the amp, and now I'm sad. I don't want to see my pretty, blue electric guitar go. It's like I'm finally having to watch myself give up a dream.

I shouldn't be this upset. I don't even want to be in a band, and if I want to learn to play the guitar, I can play with Mick's actual stratocaster or borrow one of Willie's seven acoustic guitars.

Anyway, I can't afford to turn this down. I'll be making a profit on the thing, really, since I bought it through my high school for less than $200. A brand-new pack retails for $250, but with tax it's more like $300. I'm lucky to be getting what I am for it. Plus, I need to come up with a rent deposit. Selling my shit is really the only way.

I keep trying to tell myself: Tomorrow already came, and you didn't need it.

...But yesterday is still in that gig bag, and I lowered that bridge myself.

WHO PUTS HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP AND ASPARTAME IN THE SAME PRODUCT?

Yopliat.

YEAH. THAT'S WHO. fjdklasfjsdkl;afjls;aufajkl;!!

I was running late for work. I had to get gas. So, I tried to cobble a diet-friendly lunch out of whatever I could find at the gas station. Turkey wrap, yogurt, banana. Seems good, yes? Unfortunately for me, I didn't notice that I had grabbed the Yoplait light until I opened it and thought to myself, "Man, that smells sweeter than ice cream."

I took one bite and I can't even bring myself to finish this. I'm not even joking when I say that this yogurt tastes like Kool Aid. It is so far over the top in sweetness. There are a whopping 14 grams of sugars in this 6 oz cup. That means the composition of this dairy product is 8 percent sugar. As if that weren't enough, they added some carcinogenic sweetener for an extra kick in the cavities.

Light. Fat free. With 20 percent of your calcium and vitamin C. You would think that would mean healthy, and you would be all kinds of wrong. Michael Pollan would you in the shins, and you would deserve it. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's the absolute worst 100 calories you could consume, but why would you want to? Blech.

Hey kids! So, for the longest time I've been thinking about cutting my hair. It's been tricky because I have super thick, semi-course curly hair that doesn't necessarily want to do what I think it should. Also, given my schedule and proclivities, I require something that is mostly low-maintenance and would look good if I straightened it. Thus, for most of my life I've kept it long and just let it be natural, but that's so boooooring.

Luckily, I think I finally found the style I might want to go for.

I submit to you Exhibit A, otherwise entitled: Super-Cute, Face-Framing Bob Thing?



And Exhibit B, which is what Exhibit A would likely look like if allowed to curl.



That being said, I'm pretty sure it would look great with my face-structure, but I'm not totally sure. Thus, I request assistance. If y'all don't remember what I look like, this should fix that.

So! *drumroll*

Poll #1451915 Clip clip, cha cha!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 16

Should I cut my hair like this?

In case you weren't convinced that my job is awesome, this is what my coworker just sent to me. Yeah, we're both on the clock.

God save the internet. I'm going to go back to listening to Mrs. Doubtfire on Netflix while figuring out this admin data. (Thanks again, kpachayagolobka! ♥!)

Enjoy.

I AM GOING TO EAT AN ENTIRE RAMEKIN FULL OF WASABI PEAS. YES I AM.

It is the perfect day outside. It is cool, brilliantly sunny, and the air smells like fall. I want nothing more than a pumpkin spice latte and a blanket, upon which I could sit in the park!

Unfortunately, I have to work at 2 and my allergies are killing me. I cannot wait for these ragweed plants to die. What good do they serve anyway? I think I'm going to find out. If nothing depends on them, I think I'm going to invest in a flame thrower and burn those little pollen-blasters into a crisp. What arson, officer? This is a public service!

Seriously though, you guys. I feel a little bit like Mr. Weasley because I just Googled "what exactly is the function of a rubber duck ragweed?"

ETA: OMG, this plant is pure evil.

Total eradication of ragweed is considered impossible, owing to the plant's frugality and tremendous seed-producing capability... There is evidence that mechanical and chemical control methods are actually no more effective in the long run than leaving the weed alone.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

Ted Kennedy just died.

Requiscat in pace, Lion. Thank you for all your service. You will be sorely missed.

Just so everyone is aware, the next person who bitches about how I never hang out with them and then ditches me when I block out time and say no to other plans is dead to me.

The end.

ETA: No, I am not overreacting. We're adults now. This is bullshit. If you're not going to make it, you call.

I just had the weirdest conversation with a police officer ever.

I was driving along the Lake of the Isles parkway with Faith when I noticed something rather odd. Just before the intersection of West 26th Street, there was a car parked with the driver's side door wide open.

No lights were on and there was no movement near the car. We drove by slowly and saw a person in the seat showing absolutely no sign of consciousness, and decided we should probably call the police.

We did, reported what we thought a man in the car and that person may be having a medical emergency. We didn't want to assume. After all, it could have been a simple case of drunkenness or a botched carjacking. We completed the lake circuit, discussing the scene we had just witnessed. Curiosity led us to drive by again.

By the time we hit 28th however, we could see that there was an ambulance en route. We followed, parked behind, and watched as police helped a woman out of the driver's side door while a gaggle of officers talked to another woman who was seated in the grass.

Both women seemed to be in some form of medical distress, and -- by the looks of it -- it was of the alcohol-induced variety. One was helped to the ambulance, the other to a squad car. I distinctly heard the word "alcohol" from an officer talking to the woman in the squad. Faith said she had noticed but we had had failed to report some odd "spill stains" next to the car when we called dispatch, so the puzzle pieces started to add up.

Eventually, the ambulance left and an officer directed us to move around the squad. There were three very smiley officers. So, I pulled up and stopped.

I told them we called it in and just wanted to check that everyone was healthy and OK, and the officer said, and I quote and shit you not:

Yeah. Rod Stewart is to blame for all this.

I replied, "Well, I know I blame him for everything."

They laughed. We drove away.

WHAT. THE. HELL.

Seriously! "Rod Stewart is to blame for all this." I have been trying to figure out in what way Rod Stewart could have possibly been involved. I'm still not sure, but if it's true, he may have a lawsuit coming his way.

I am both wildly amused and utterly confused by this, and I can't get it out of my head. If I am found dead in my bathtub tomorrow, you know why.

ETA: Ok, so apparently Rod Stewart gave a concert tonight, so it makes sense now. Still. Weirdest thing a police officer has ever said to me, especially without context.

Alright. This has gone on long enough. My weight has been slowly climbing and I am done with it. I'm sick of feeling awkward in clothes that used to look smokin'.

I'm officially dieting. I've got the super-crappy aerobics DVDs and I've got a work-out schedule. I have high fruit, veg, and protein meals for my diet, and I have started eating breakfasts regularly.

Yet, I have a problem. I am so bored by all of this food.

It's bizarre. I like healthy foods. I love vegetables. I enjoy fruit. I am way cool with yogurt and cottage cheese. None of this is food I don't like. I'm always happy about eating it after I have, but whenever I open the fridge I'm like "meh." I have no imagination right now in terms of meals, so I need some help.

I am looking for exciting, herby, lo-cal recipes. I need to get over this mental block and get excited about eating healthily. I need to learn to crave this food always, not just after super-intense workouts.

Whatever you've got. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. Spicy or mild. Hot or cold. Long prep or quick prep. It's like Queen. I want it all. And I want it now.


Om nom nom.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you're happily munching on something and then you take a bite and think, "That taste is so foreign I don't even know what substance could generate that flavor"?

I just had that, and I'm pretty sure whatever caused it was not edible.

The foodstuff in question is "southwest dip" from a food establishment M and I visited a few days ago. It contained mostly black beans, some cheese and a crapton of jalapenos so I realize my taste buds might be slightly altered, and I'm trying not to freak about it, but that "odd" bite really tasted like it was spiked with a substance you would use to either a) disinfect surgical tools, b) poison your nemesis or c) scrub a toilet.

Needless to say, I have lost my appetite. I just hope I don't die before morning.

I am hungry. I am also broke.

I hate this continuing cycle of just barely covering the bills. I hate that M has been buying my food. I also hate that I can't seem to break out of this Madame Crankypants funk.

I think it will be better once I know where I'm going to live come October. That is stressing me right out. I have a bunch of voicemail call-backs from my foray into the house-hunting jungle with Mick last week, so that makes me optimistic. Here's hoping at least one of them is in our price range and isn't on the shadier side of town. I just want the hunt to be over and know that I will have a place to rest my oh-so-weary head.

On the plus side, I successfully avoided eating any mini donuts or kettle corn! The art fair is now over and I can postpone those temptations until the State Fair, which I am apparently going to this year whether I like it or not. I had avoided it for so long...

In other news, I find myself continually wanting to re-read Harry Potter. What gives?

Instead of allowing myself to read Harry Potter, I have been watching NatGeo for hours on end. I sometimes forget how much I friggen love science. I watched this Biography Of The Earth thingy and it was all about the planet's core and the magma cycles and friggen VOLCANOES, MAN. It was so awesome, I was giddy like a 4-year-old with a Popsicle at the zoo. Yes, I'm a nerd. Shut it.

Oh, I did a slight friends cut. Mostly just a trim of dead journals. Still, if I somehow did something really stupid and deleted you, plz dun h8. Just let me know.